i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
