I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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