If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
