I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
two words: eviction party
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
