I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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