Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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