I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
