She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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