I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
