I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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