My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
