Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
