Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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