You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
