U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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