dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I wish they made helmets for livers.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
