I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
