in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
