God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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