Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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