I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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