I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
