An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
