Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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