I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
