Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
