Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
