he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
