She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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