saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
