turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
