I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
