I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Please don't give away my fajitas
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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