i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
