So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
