Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
