there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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