come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
