What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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