Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
