so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
