I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
