I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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