Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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