so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
3pm strippers are depressing
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Is Oprah even human
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
