oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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