my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Can you bring me the toilet please
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
