JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
