i jhust puked up my retainher.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
