This is not my ceiling
4 words: hood of his car
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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