then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
