Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
